"How are things going over there?" "How long are you back for?" "Is it good to be home with your family?" These loving questions have been haunting me the past couple of weeks. It's difficult to explain the taste of this strange elixir I've been drinking as it is part joy, part sweet, part insert-negative-emotion-here. Skipping past the happy moments I've been privileged to participate in, I cannot help but share its purgatorial similarity to The Twilight Zone.
In some ways it makes me miss all of those delightful diagrams that filled the pages of my grammar notebooks once upon a time. Every word had its cozy little corner where the parameters were defined. It is even kind of like those times I had to burn various verb tenses into my corneas so I could pass the Spanish test. That is where I'm sitting. Stuck between present/future and present/past tenses. Saddened by those I observe changing negatively, burdened by the sinful guilt of not somehow being able to prevent it from happening, discouraged by the connections I am missing at my new "home," overjoyed by the blossoming I am seeing in other people and relationships, honored to witness once-in-a-lifetime, cherished moments, filled with eagerness to return to my regularly scheduled program.
What is He possibly teaching me in all of this? Is it all just a series of gibberish with no sentence structure?
Guys, sometimes writing is the only way to arrive at the Bermuda Triangle of Conclusion.
What if He has sent my organized language into this chaos because I was building a monument to myself with bricks labeled "My Way," "I Don't Need Him," "Pride," and "Self"? What if this all a parallel to my relationship with Him? He brought me back to reconnect with others, while also desiring that I reconnect with Him. He has been walking with me in this present progressive perfect tense. He started a work in me, and He continues to transform even now. He will have been with me in my future progressive perfect tense because His nature is faithful and He will finish what He started. See, my God is even in the in-between, and will do what it takes to connect with me there. Whoa. Does He ever LOVE me!? He must desire to be moving me forward in relationship with him (progressive) all the while making me more complete (perfect). Like, His Word is true (Romans 8:29, 1 Corinthians 15:49, 2 Corinthians 3:18).
So He isn't wasting this time; maybe I shouldn't either. Maybe I should leave my building tools behind and start living focused and connected with Him once more. My arms are certainly tired from building my own kingdom.
Brittany Van Ryn
Working out thoughts with HIM.